What not to do when leading a team you've never worked with
What I learned the hard way about earning trust as an outsider
A (good) few years ago, I was hired to lead a team I had never worked with before. A team that was already up and running. That had been working together for a while.
I didn’t know anyone. And they hadn’t chosen me.
I’m not sure if there’s an official name for it, but I call it the infiltrator syndrome.
That feeling you get in the early days of a new job: you’re in, but not really in.
You move carefully. You wonder if you're being a nuisance. If you’re earning your place or just occupying it.
My entry into the team wasn’t traumatic. They were (and still are) amazing people I’m lucky to still be in touch with. But it was obvious at the time that I was a new piece in an already well-balanced puzzle.
It was also my first time leading a team. Probably too early, considering my skillset back then. That definitely didn’t help.
I made quite a few mistakes in that role. But I also walked away with a handful of valuable insights that really helped when, earlier this year, I found myself in a very similar situation.
The Mistakes I Made
Coming in too hot
I felt the need to be “useful,” to “show leadership,” to prove that I deserved my place in the team. I tried to take control before I even understood where I was. I talked too much and listened too little.
Changing things before understanding them
Some decisions seemed obviously flawed to me. But what I didn’t see were the trade-offs, the history, the scars behind them.
I suggested changes that made sense on paper but didn’t honor the team’s journey or the real-life context. Books are great, but I skipped the most important step: learning how theory meets reality, and how even “correct” practices need to be adapted to a specific environment.
Thinking the title was enough
I was the new “boss”. I thought that was enough to earn attention.
But relationships don’t work like that. Respect is earned. A title opens the door, it doesn’t get you a seat at the table.
Taking their side when I shouldn’t have
Trying to be “one of them,” I went too far with empathy even when my role required tough decisions. This was probably the worst mistake I made. It works in the short term, sure. But in the long-term it backfires. Hard.
Me… 10+ Years Later
As I mentioned in a previous issue, earlier this year I stepped into a new challenge.
This time, I tried to do things differently. I wanted to not make the same mistakes.
So here’s what worked and helped me connect with my new team from day one.
I started asking questions
I stopped talking. Gave space to the people who were already there. I asked questions not to get quick answers, but to understand. «Why do you do it this way?»
«What happens if we try something else?».
That genuine curiosity changed the tone of the conversations.
I made the most of 1:1s
Not just status updates. Real listening. Past frustrations, half-finished projects, energy wasted on invisible battles. What had worked before. The stories that made the team what it is. The people who used to be part of it.
Those conversations built bridges.
I admitted I didn’t know
I didn’t play the confident manager. I said right from the start: «I don’t know everything yet but I want to figure it out together».
Vulnerability is contagious. And it brings walls down.
I looked for small ways to add value
No big revolutions. Just fixing a bug here, unblocking a process there, relaunching a forgotten idea. Small, visible actions that said «I’m here to work with you, not above you». I focused on the pain points but let them surface naturally, from the team. No top-down decisions.
TL;DR
Anyone who’s ever joined a close-knit group has felt this way. It’s part of human dynamics, and work culture is no exception. It’s totally normal to feel out of place at first. Especially if you're not naturally outgoing. But the key is: don’t rush it. Don’t force it.
There’s no magic moment when things “click.” But there are little signs:
A message where someone asks for your input before acting
A joke in a call that includes you, too
Tiny cracks in the invisible wall. Until one day, there’s no wall at all and you realize: you’re not the outsider anymore. You’re part of the team.
Credits: Illustration 1