How badmouthing erodes trust
Engaging in gossip can damage both personal and professional relationships
How often do we find ourselves, albeit inadvertently, engaging in gossip or saying something negative about someone who isn't present? I'm not just talking about work, but also in our personal lives. Maybe we're having a drink and we find ourselves judging a mutual friend's outfit, their new car, or worse, their new partner.
Well, gossip and rumours are just as prevalent in the workplace as they are in our personal lives and we often underestimate how much it can affect team dynamics and morale. A study by Grosser et al. (2012) stating that over 95% of employees admit to engaging in workplace gossip.
What we often don’t consider, instead, are the consequences of fostering an environment in which badmouthing is allowed and not forbidden. In this post, I want to explore some of the reasons that lead people to cast someone in a bad light, the impact allowing them within the team has had in my experience, and the consequences that these attitudes bring to a team.
🗣️ The hidden reasons we gossip
I strongly believe in the Prime directive, a quote coming from retrospectives:
Regardless of what we discover, we understand and truly believe that everyone did the best job they could, given what they knew at the time, their skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand.
Norman L. Kerth, Project Retrospectives: A Handbook for Team Reviews
I believe in the directive so strongly that I apply it not just to the past but in general. If we start from the assumption that people are not acting in bad faith, we can realize that there are often reasons behind their behavior, even if we don't understand them at first. People engage in workplace gossip for a number of reasons, though the act may appear mean.
For connection purposes: revealing colleague’s information also wraps the audience into the closeness net
It helps in gathering information about work dynamics or power structures
It can be a way to vent frustrations about a difficult coworker or a bad decision by management
Speculation can fill the gap when there are not enough information from management or about the company's direction
When conflicts are not addressed openly and constructively
There are many other reasons, but there is one in particular which, at first glance, may seem useful within team dynamics but which I would advise against in any case. I’m talking about the attitude of badmouthing external teams of the same company.
People tend to form groups to feel part of something bigger. This sense of belonging strengthens the group's identity, but it can also lead to an “us versus them” mentality. Within a team, this can translate into a competitive attitude towards other teams, seen as obstacles or cause of additional workload. Despite having always worked in the direction of the collaboration between either teams in the same company or external clients, I realized that I allowed my team members to say unkind things about people working in other teams, thinking that this would somehow help with team bonding. However, over time I learned that it works just like with kids when you make an exception to a rule: it undermines the rule itself and sets a precedent that can lead to more exceptions and a lack of discipline. No, I'm not a very strict father 😅. Something that helped, instead, in the direction of collaboration between people working in different teams has been including those people in the life of the team.
🏹 Be a leader, not a friend
I learned the hard way, in the worst possible manner, that actively participating in these kinds of conversations only has negative effects and brings about differing viewpoints. More than a decade ago, the company I was working for, decided to move its headquarters abroad, and we were asked to relocate as well.
It didn't take long for speculations and conspiracies to begin since the news wasn't received with much happiness. At that time, I was managing the team, and as I've mentioned in another article, it was my first real experience leading a team. I wasn't able to handle the news and the reactions, including my owns. I allowed and participated in that gossip, thinking it was a good way to deal with the situation, but never was a choice so wrong.
Every time I think back to those days, I always have the sensation of “having crossed a line”, the one where I acted as if I were “one of them” and not their guide. That line crossed disrupted some balances that weren't easy to restore. Being a leader, in my opinion, also means finding a correct and honest way to keep the team motivated in any circumstances, providing them with the answers they are looking for, and seeking those answers when you don’t have them.
🛠️ How to deal with badmouthing
Fostering open communication inside the team also means dealing with these events. It may seem contradictory, but the fact that this happens in your presence is actually a positive sign. It indicates that team members feel free to speak openly. What makes the difference, however, is how we react to such behavior.
During the public conversation the only thing I do is just changing the topic. I avoid giving my own opinions and, if possible, correcting the individual in front of the group. Nobody likes to be reprimanded in public. Instead, I look for a private moment to discuss the matter one-on-one explaining that I would prefer if they refrained from discussing others when those individuals are not present.
As for the Prime directive, during that conversation I also try to understand what led the person to say those things and if there's something more significant underlying it. This is one of the most effective approaches in my experience: giving the person the space to explain the reasons and frustrations behind their behavior.
Another reason not to encourage these behaviors, besides the fact that we enable them even more, is that they generate conflicts, even if they are invisible. These conflicts are the most difficult to resolve because they might never lead to an open discussion between the parties involved.
Keep in mind that there is a difference between speaking ill of someone and venting due to another person's behavior. It is once again our responsibility to analyze the situation and determine the right way to react.
TL;DR
The best way to counter gossip is to be a model of positive behavior. Avoid engaging in negative talk yourself and, instead, focus on their strengths.
Credits: Illustration 1